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In frustration I told my wife to embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology, please don't buy it.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years without having a brain. This gives hope to some people I know!

I recently child proofed my home but my kids somehow are still getting in.

I picked up a hitchhiker today and he asked me how do you know that I am not a serial killer. I told him what are the chances of 2 serial killers being in the same car.

I went to a Toys R Us store and asked a store employee where I could find an Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure and he replied Aisle B back.

I had to fire my lawn mower guy today, he just didn't cut it.

I can't understand why my calculator stopped working, it just doesn't add up.

I rode my bicycle to the liquor store and bought a bottle of Scotch. I got out of the store and put the bottle into the bicycle's basket but then I thought what if I fall off the bike the bottle will break. So I decided to drink the entire bottle which was just as well as when I rode home I...

I asked my wife not to draw on her eyebrows so high. She look surprised!

I told my wife our cranky old next door neighbour just died. She said who, Ray? I replied it's way to early to celebrate!

Wests 24 -10.

My wife I suspect has been putting glue on my gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Why did the chicken cross the soccer pitch? It heard the ref was blowing fouls.

I accidentally swallowed a bottle of invisible ink, I'm currently waiting in the hospital to be seen.

Yesterday I couldn't figure out if someone was waving at me or the person behind me. Later on that day I also lost my job as a lifeguard.

What's the difference between a golf ball and the G spot? A man will look for a golf ball.

Just read this below:

I lost my wife and kids all due to gambling. I won the lottery and moved to the Bahamas.

I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday and she said nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing!