Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

[Marshall_magic]

An Irishman's car broke down in the middle of the night in the pouring rain. He can't see a thing as it is pitch black, so he decides to hitch a ride with someone, and come back the next day, and take care of his car then. He sees a car coming up slowly on the road, so when it is passing him he jumps in. He tries to have a friendly conversation with the driver, but the driver says nothing. He then realises that no one is in the front seat of the car. He then realises that the car is heading straight for a cliff, and no one is there to stop it. He freaks out.

All of a sudden a hand comes in through the window and turns the car with the road so it doesn't go off the cliff. The Irishman is now freaking out completely, he looks out the window and sees a pub. He jumps out of the car and runs into the pub. He orders a pint of Guiness, and tells the bartender that he had the creepiest experience ever. After he has downed half the pint, he is still shaking at what he just witnessed.

2 more men walk into the bar, and one points at the Irishman and says to the other, "Hey, isn't he that idiot who jumped into your car while we were pushing it?"

[alex]

How many dyslexics does it take to lightbulb a change?

[Juro]

The NSW Labor Government. You've just got to laugh...

[TigersFan4Life]

It was reported today that Tiger Woods will be promoting a new line of golf tees. They're called infideli-tees.

[Marshall_magic]

The NSW Labor Government. You've just got to laugh...

I'm just glad Nathan Rees-igned

yeah...I'll show myself to the exit

[pacey]

Russel Crowe was in Iraq shooting a film & watched the local rugby league. He found this fantastic kid & decided to take him to Souths.

He convinced Taylor to blood him on the bench. Souths were down & needed 3 tries with 10 minutes left. Taylor thought, what the heck.. I'll bring on the youngster its worth a shot.

The kid comes on & does the unthinkable. With blistering speed & skill, he tears apart the opposition. He scores the 3 tries to win the game singlehandedly.

Later that day in all excitement, he rings home to his mum to share the great news. "Guess what mum! I got to play football today. We needed 3 tries to win and they put me on the field. I scored the 3 tries & won the game for the team all on my own! Everybody here loves me & Im the local hero!"

His mum replies, "Let me tell you about my day then here at home, son. Your father was mugged.. TWICE! and was shot at. I was on my way to the shops and somebody stole all the groceries & held a knife to my throat stealing all our money. As for your sister, she was raped & has been tortured. "

The son replied, "Im really sorry to hear that mum, its terrible news".

His mother protests, "Why did they make us move to Redfern anyway?!!"

[pacey]

The Cronulla Sharks squad just finished their pre training pep talk from Ricky. Words like passion, respect and pride were evident. The boys were pumped, ready to train the hardest they had all season.

Finally Ricky said, "ok boys take your usual positions on the field"!

...The players then grouped up and stood in their in-goal...

[pacey]

Q. What are red, white and blue and have a cock as its symbol?

A. France

Q. What's a club that has no originality?

A. Roosters

[Marshall_magic]

The Sharks and Dragons were ready for their huge block buster. The Dragons ran out to a 42-0 halftime lead. At halftime Wayne Bennett was confident enough to tell the boys to go to the pub immediately. They left Jamie Soward and Brett Morris to finish off the second half.

An hour later, at the pub, Soward and Morris show up. Dean Young asks what the full time score way. Soward says 42-40. Young asks what happened, and Soward tells him, Morris got sent off after 2 minutes, and he was sent 4 minutes later.

[Aladinsane]

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy.”
"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b!tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Aladinsane]

Getting Old Jokes


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

____________________


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not
blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

____________________


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and
thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sh1t..! Am I driving..?"

[Marshall_magic]

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy.”
"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b!tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

I heard that joke, except it was the Asian's who kept getting the questions right. Johnny yells out "bloody asians" and then says it was Pauline Hanson. Prefer this ending though.

[Aladinsane]

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'ABC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the washing machine repair guy wants to buy Mom ..'

[Aladinsane]

GOLF JOKES


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks..
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks,
"What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father.. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a
bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes " says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts
her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball
into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride was escorted down the aisle, and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[Aladinsane]

LIttle Sally


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her
face and told her mother,

"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground".

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut".

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really, small, was it?"

Sally replied,
"No........Salty"

[Tommy Magpie]

What's the difference between a Manly supporter and a bucket of s**t?

The bucket.

[alien]

What's the difference between a Manly supporter and a bucket of s**t?

The bucket.

I like it.

[Marshall_magic]

The Bulldogs signed up a new guy from war-torn Africa. They flew him over, because they thought he would be a superstar in Rugby League. He played his first game where he was Man of the match, scoring 5 tries, and laying on another 4. He imediately called his mum to tell her the good news.

She replied "That's good that you had a good day. Your dad was shot, your sister was abducted, your brother was bashed and my car was stolen."

He replied "Ok, I think that's partially my fault."

"It's all your fault," said his mum, "If it wasn't for you we wouldn't have moved to Bankstown."